I’m in my twenties now and so things should be going swimmingly. Apart from… I have a tendency to worry too much. Sound familiar?
I’ve just not been feeling 100% for a long time, especially with headaches. I get a lot of headaches. After another pointless visit to the GP last week, I came home frustrated and in tears. It had been a waste of time and I was no closer to discovering why these headaches are happening. I slumped down on the sofa, feeling completely dis-heartened and listening to a lengthy performance from the world’s smallest violin.
Maybe the doctors were right.
Maybe it is something to do with stress. I’d written this off as a stupid assumption on their part as they didn’t know why it was happening either – after all, what do I have to be stressed about? I’m lucky on so many levels that it just can’t be stress related.
Recently though, I’ve been thinking. I’m always being told that I worry too much and so I sat down and wrote out all the things that worry me – no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they were. It came to quite a list. Maybe – just maybe, it’s a culmination of the small things building up on a sub-conscious level.
The bother list:
- Money – absolutely everything to do with money. Everything!
- Not earning enough – and feeling like I must not be worth much because I still haven’t hit anywhere near the amount my peers earn.
- Not saving enough.
- Not having enough to save anyway.
- But still somehow spending too much.
- These headaches, and the time off I need to take for them.
- Not doing a good enough job at well… everything.
- Wanting to please everyone.
- Not really knowing how to meet new people in a new area.
- Not doing enough to keep up with my blog.
- That my posts are not good enough.
- Not doing enough to make the most of life.
- Not traveling enough.
- Not doing enough exercise goes hand in hand with the fact my body seems to hate me and is always injured.
- Not remembering everything I need to.
- Not knowing where I’m going with my life.
- (I turned these back to bullets so I didn’t have to see how many there were!)
All the little things can add up.
Little things are easy to bat away on their own – and as you can see, most of these are stupid little worries.
However, when all these little problems start swarming in your brain like a black (albeit invisible) cloud of bees, it can feel like they’re constantly stinging you in one big attack. That’s not so cool. I don’t think I realised this was happening, as I’ve just been pushing it down and down and down. There’s always just too much going on to even being to acknowledge any kind of problem, and besides – it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. I just worry too much that’s all…
I want it all and I want it now.
Social media tells me that many others are out traveling the world, exploring and pushing their limits in mad races – you know, just generally having an amazing time. A little voice persistently in my head whispers ‘why can’t you be too?’
Then I start to question myself – is all this because I want too much out of life? And I want it now? I battle with myself over this. I’m part of the ‘now generation’ and I feel terrible and ashamed for wanting all of it and being stressed out over not putting in the time and effort to earn it.
Ohh, the naïvety of youth…
When I was younger I truly thought that I would have everything figured out by now. That I would have a great pay packet, own my own home, be able to go on holiday a couple of times a year and be able to go exploring (or maybe even shopping) whenever I wanted. I think this is the hardest thing to come to terms with – the feeling of inadequacy that I’ve not yet achieved this.
This is a pity-party for one.
I know it. I wanted to write it down though, as I suspect I’m not alone in feeling inadequate and slightly lost in life. If this comforts one person out there who is going through the same thing, then committing this little pity-party to erm…paper will have been worth it.
It’s not all doom and gloom, I promise.
Like I’ve mentioned, I am so lucky in so many different ways. I can support myself independently (albeit with a scrape – but I’m savvy enough to do this), I can cook and I have amazing people around me.
I know all of this and tell myself on a daily basis (and am told – thanks Tom). I cannot impress upon you how painfully aware I am that I know my situation is really not bad. This is why I never addressed the fact that it could be stress.
Can I fix it? Time to make a plan.
- I’m trying to write everything down. From what I’m eating to how I’m feeling to see if there’s any patterns I can pick up. I’ve been using Freedom Mastery Weekly Success and Life Planner to do this. I’ll let you know how that goes.
- Write A) what’s bothering me (you’re reading exhibit A) to try and find the cause of the problem. B) Plans. I need to really think about all the things that I want to achieve in my life and think about how I’m going to get there.
- Tell myself that there is no rush – that it’s okay to live slowly. (I’m having a hard time with this one)
- Try the app Headspace. Anyone else used this and found it helpful? Let me know!
- Focus on the positives through all of this – eg, I’m loving my job, I feel content living in Yorkshire, I have an amazing man in my life, my family is super supportive, and next year I am going to Australia for a month! (So, although it will be quiet on the adventure front on here due to intensive saving, I’ll have lots to talk about in 10 months time.)
I wrote this post for anyone else out there who feels a similar way. I’m hoping to elaborate on a few of these things in a future posts – twenties sure is a confusing age.
Hopefully one day, we’ll all look back on this and laugh.
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